Witch Doctors of England Place Curse Upon World's Oceans

Warning: This article is plagiaristic satire. The links are real, but the excerpted material has been altered for this article.

Wikipedia Witch Doctors of England
Update: Here is an example of a successful witch doctor environmental curse, literally sending almost an entire family in Argentina to its death (h/t M. Simon).

An organisation of British witch doctors -- the IPSO (International Programme on the Supernatural of the Occult) -- has placed a curse upon the oceans of the world as punishment for man's lack of faith in the authority of global witch doctors.

A new curse by the IPSO is affecting the ocean as a whole.

The bottom line? We're on course for a mass extinction that would include coral reefs and the menagerie of species that rely on them, as well as multiple species of fish consumed by people, and it will be worse than the "big five" extinctions of Earth's distant past due to an extra spin placed upon the curse by chief witch doctor Alex Rogers.

"We're bringing on a combination of symptoms that have been associated with large, past extinctions," says Alex Rogers, the head of IPSO. _NewScientist

Witch doctor skeptic Anthony Watts, proprietor of the skeptic blog Watts Up With That?!?!? assumed a naturally skeptical posture, when told of the IPSO curse.

Oh for goodness sake (parallels to IPCC 80% greenpeace renewables story)

The International Panel on the Supernatural of the Occult !!! IPSO – modest bunch – see mission statement (front page website)

The International Programme on the Supernatural of the Occult (IPSO) was established by witch doctors with the aim of cursing the Earth and all life on it.

Another Press release – Gets a shocking headline – the wait for the report (so that it can be checked) so that it is forgotten about and at the end – it is too early to say, but the trends are, etc,etc,etc

Maybe the Oceans are in a shocking state, I’m just getting too cynical to care…

BBC: World’s oceans in ‘shocking’ decline – Richard Black – 20th June 2011
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/science-environment-13796479

“The oceans are in a worse state than previously suspected, according to an expert panel of witch doctors.”

“In a new report, they warn that ocean life will be cursed so as to“enter a phase of extinction of marine species unprecedented in human history. This is the least we can do to punish humans for their lack of faith and financial support”. _WUWT

Unflappable optimist Matt Ridley believes that the witch doctors are simply too pessimistic as a result of unhappy childhoods.

Today, infected by Malthusian ecology, the witch doctors relentlessly preaches millennial doom and technological risk: the climate is heading for catastrophe; resources are running out; population is growing too fast; farming cannot keep up; habitat is being destroyed; poverty, hunger, pollution, disease and greed are only going to get worse. A dramatic change in human stewardship of the planet is needed.

The evidence suggests that these predictions are likely to be wrong. _GWPF

Even mainstream scientists are braving the wrath of the witch doctors, and conducting actual scientific experiments on the ocean in order to determine its actual conditions:

The team showed that coccolithophores dispose of unwanted H+ by allowing them to exit cells through specialised protein pores, or ion channels, that are selectively permeable to H+. This process keeps the pH inside the cells at acceptable levels and allows coccolithophores to produce their calcium carbonate scales.

The team identified the gene that encodes for the H+ channel protein. "These H+ channels belong to a unique group of transport proteins that were discovered quite recently in certain types of animal cells that experience metabolic acidosis" explains Glen Wheeler, co-author of the study. "It turns out that H+ channel genes are also present in other groups of phytoplankton… [which] belong to groups that are not closely related to either plants or animals. Our discovery shows that H+ channels are more widespread than previously thought and that they serve a critical function in regulating cellular pH during a range of cellular processes in evolutionarily distant organisms" says Wheeler. _Physorg

So according to the study at the University of North Carolina, Wilmington, the organisms of the ocean are finding ways to fight the witch doctors' curses of doom. And none too soon, as these witch doctors of the IPSO and affiliated organisation such as the IPCC are getting out of control, and scaring the children and science news media absolutely witless!

Witch doctors of doom and dieoff.orgiasts have been frequently idolised by gullible hack writers such as Rousseau and his more modern ilk. But there is nothing noble about extinction curses -- particularly when they are largely meant to frighten populations into giving more money to the IPSO, IPCC, and other witch doctor groups.

The oceans have dealt with far worse threats over the past billions of years than anything the witch doctors of England can throw at them. But the sycophancy and obeisance to witch doctors by media outlets such as New Scientist, the BBC, etc. may set back public faith in the media for decades or longer.

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