Limited Manners

Fellow Durham blogger, Justin Wehr, recently threw out the idea that politeness limits social risk and that by doing so it decreases intimacy. In the sense that manners are masking what you would naturally do, I whole heatedly agree. Following societal rules is less likely to result in tension, but it's also less likely to result in vulnerably. As I've mentioned before, resolved conflict is essential for intimate relationships. I don't want to do away with politeness all together. Introducing yourself when you meet, saying "excuse me" when you bump into someone, or knocking before you enter a room all help guide us in social situations. What I do desire is the decreased emphasis on outward trivial actions as relationships continue. For example, my wife and I had good friends over recently, but I didn't offer them a drink when they walked in. Instead, my friend got up, went to where the cups were and got his own. I had already proven to him in the past that I care about him. I don't need to prove it with cordiality. Manners are helpful navigation tools for potentially awkward situations, but as trust builds, manner should be dismantled. So if I do something that may normally be perceived as rude, let it be signal that I'm comfortable around you.