My Fellow Americans:
I am very aware of the pain that many of you are feeling, with no jobs, no income, no health insurance. My administration is doing everything it can to help the economy recover from the Bush years. Some recent job openings have come to my attention while I was watching news coverage for next week's SuperBowl in Texas. It seems that thousands of people are needed for high paying jobs as "prole dancers" in the Dallas - Ft. Worth area over the next several days.
I had never heard of prole dancing before, but it seems clear that it involves some form of rhythmic movement set to music, performed by white trailer trash performers -- a group currently suffering particularly high unemployment.
After researching the topic on the internet, I can see that I was correct. It looks quite easy to do, and there are many tutorials available on the internet. Here is one:
Michelle has informed me that prole dancing can also be used as a workout program, for losing weight and gaining fitness. That is most fortunate, since one sees far too many fat proles walking the streets these days. Disgusting.
Here is more information about the use of prole dancing as a fitness tool:
Thank you for your attention. And I hope this will put an end to all of the accusations against this administration, that it doesn't care about proles or white trailer trash. Because we certainly do, and this announcement is proof of it.
Eh? What's that Rahm? You say it's called "pole dancing", not "prole dancing?" Anyone can do it -- not just trailer trash? Oh. Well, then. Never mind.
Showing posts with label satire. Show all posts
Showing posts with label satire. Show all posts
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Goat-Smelling Desert Dwellers Confused by Brasilian Interference
For many years, the All-Peninsular Goat-Smelling Mooch Award has been won by either Ahmed or Abdul. (It should be noted that the word "mooch" means something different in Arabic, being more linguistically akin to the Yiddish word "mensch".) Al Fin traveled to the peninsula to interview Abdul and Ahmed, the most highly skilled goat-smellers in peninsular history, to question them about Brasil's latest interference in the goat genome, and the implications this may have for their profession in the future.
Al Fin: Thank you very much, Abdul and Ahmed, for meeting with me today.
Ahmed and Abdul in unison: Salaam aleikum, Al.
AF: Wa aleikum salaam. I'll start with Abdul first. What do you think about Brasil's interference with goat genetics?
Abdul: It is a serious problem, Al. These interfered goats do not smell the same as a natural goat. It gives me a headache to think what these cursed Brasilian scientists are doing.
AF: I understand that some goat-smellers are worried that the Brasilians will insert some pig genes into their goats, and then release the pig-goats into peninsular herds to inter-breed with natural goats. Ahmed, what have you heard in that regard?
Ahmed: I was enraged when the imam announced this outrage at Friday noon prayer. We rushed into the streets with hands full of stones, looking for infidels and perverts. Fortunately we found a woman walking without a veil, with her head uncovered. It would have been a shame to waste the stones.
AF: I see. But can't you tell the difference in smell between natural goats and Brasil-interfered goats? Wouldn't such a thing lead to greater demand for goat-smellers, and higher profits for you?
Abdul: No, Al, you don't understand. Just to smell such a pig-goat would contaminate a goat smeller so that he could not go to mosque without enduring a prolonged purification ritual over a period of many days. Many of our best clients would be reluctant to hire us with such a taint over our heads.
AF: Hmmm. What do you intend to do, then?
Ahmed: We must declare jihad against the Brasilian scientists and destroy their laboratories before they can achieve their blasphemous goals.
AF: But what about all the good things that could come from the transgenic goat programs? Destroying the laboratories may prevent some important medical breakthroughs.
Abdul: Not our problem, Al. We must do what we must do.
AF: So. Thanks for meeting with me today Abdul and Ahmed.
A&A: As Salaamu Aleikum, Al.
Technology Review article about transgenic goat experiments in Brazil
Al Fin: Thank you very much, Abdul and Ahmed, for meeting with me today.
Ahmed and Abdul in unison: Salaam aleikum, Al.
AF: Wa aleikum salaam. I'll start with Abdul first. What do you think about Brasil's interference with goat genetics?
Abdul: It is a serious problem, Al. These interfered goats do not smell the same as a natural goat. It gives me a headache to think what these cursed Brasilian scientists are doing.
AF: I understand that some goat-smellers are worried that the Brasilians will insert some pig genes into their goats, and then release the pig-goats into peninsular herds to inter-breed with natural goats. Ahmed, what have you heard in that regard?
Ahmed: I was enraged when the imam announced this outrage at Friday noon prayer. We rushed into the streets with hands full of stones, looking for infidels and perverts. Fortunately we found a woman walking without a veil, with her head uncovered. It would have been a shame to waste the stones.
AF: I see. But can't you tell the difference in smell between natural goats and Brasil-interfered goats? Wouldn't such a thing lead to greater demand for goat-smellers, and higher profits for you?
Abdul: No, Al, you don't understand. Just to smell such a pig-goat would contaminate a goat smeller so that he could not go to mosque without enduring a prolonged purification ritual over a period of many days. Many of our best clients would be reluctant to hire us with such a taint over our heads.
AF: Hmmm. What do you intend to do, then?
Ahmed: We must declare jihad against the Brasilian scientists and destroy their laboratories before they can achieve their blasphemous goals.
AF: But what about all the good things that could come from the transgenic goat programs? Destroying the laboratories may prevent some important medical breakthroughs.
Abdul: Not our problem, Al. We must do what we must do.
AF: So. Thanks for meeting with me today Abdul and Ahmed.
A&A: As Salaamu Aleikum, Al.
Technology Review article about transgenic goat experiments in Brazil
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Secret Undersea Alien Base Discovered by Satellite!
We have no way of knowing how long the top-secret undersea alien base has existed off the coast of South America. In the top image, you can see a standard map of South America, which does not indicate the location of the base.
Below, you can see a regular night-time satellite image of the night lights of South America. There is likewise no indication of anything amiss. No unusual illumination or energy source whatsoever.
But when you take a time-lapse night-time image with special anti-cloak filtering, the unearthly energy emissions from the undersea alien base seem to jump right off the screen! Look just off the Atlantic coast of Argentina -- on the seafloor between Argentina and the Falkland Islands.
The emissions are characteristic of mixed energies from fusion, anti-matter, micro-singularity, and trans-dimensional wormhole radiation sources. In amplitude, the emissions easily eclipse the illumination of Buenos Aires, Rio de Janeiro, and Sao Paolo combined! But without special optics, radiation detectors, and classified filters, it would have been impossible to detect this gigantic undersea base.
Theoretically, it would be up to Argentina (and perhaps the UK) to deal with this unknown threat, but after several years of catastrophic mismanagement under the Kirchner family of autocrats, Argentina is in no condition to defend itself against an invasion of Emperor Penguins, much less a highly advanced civilisation from another galaxy.
It will take the mainstream media considerable time to catch up to us on this story. As soon as they find out about it they will no doubt be under a severe global security blackout from the UN World Government -- which is the only earthly power able to meet this threat head-on.
Cross your fingers, Earth citizens, and trust that your betters know exactly what to do to guarantee your safety, and that of your posterity.
Below, you can see a regular night-time satellite image of the night lights of South America. There is likewise no indication of anything amiss. No unusual illumination or energy source whatsoever.
But when you take a time-lapse night-time image with special anti-cloak filtering, the unearthly energy emissions from the undersea alien base seem to jump right off the screen! Look just off the Atlantic coast of Argentina -- on the seafloor between Argentina and the Falkland Islands.
The emissions are characteristic of mixed energies from fusion, anti-matter, micro-singularity, and trans-dimensional wormhole radiation sources. In amplitude, the emissions easily eclipse the illumination of Buenos Aires, Rio de Janeiro, and Sao Paolo combined! But without special optics, radiation detectors, and classified filters, it would have been impossible to detect this gigantic undersea base.
Theoretically, it would be up to Argentina (and perhaps the UK) to deal with this unknown threat, but after several years of catastrophic mismanagement under the Kirchner family of autocrats, Argentina is in no condition to defend itself against an invasion of Emperor Penguins, much less a highly advanced civilisation from another galaxy.
It will take the mainstream media considerable time to catch up to us on this story. As soon as they find out about it they will no doubt be under a severe global security blackout from the UN World Government -- which is the only earthly power able to meet this threat head-on.
Cross your fingers, Earth citizens, and trust that your betters know exactly what to do to guarantee your safety, and that of your posterity.
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