And now I'm 33 years old

My birthday was on Monday, April 21st (Feast of St Anselm of Canterbury). I don't usually mention birthdays to others, partly because I'd feel like I'm soliciting gifts and partly because its frankly not such a big deal once you leave the nest. But this one has held a special fascination for me since I was turning 33, which is the age that tradition tells us Jesus was when he died on the cross.

I'm not sure what spiritual insight may come from this, but it has been on my mind. Here are some of the things I've noticed so far, now that I am the same age.

The first thing that occurred to me is that the Jesus I see depicted on the cross in paintings, icons, and sculpture seems a bit younger than 33 to me. He often looks more like 25 or even younger. I'm sure that part of it is the fact that he would naturally be more fit than I am, having to walk all the time and probably having a much healthier diet. But still, he usually looks younger to me. The depictions of Jesus in some Eastern icons in the Pantokrator style seem closer to the actual age. It is an older Jesus who should be depicted on the cross.

The second thing that occurred to me is that it is about this age when one one begins to notice that the body will eventually wear out. It's not that you feel old, but just that you become aware of the aging process--not as "growing up," but as "growing old." Depending upon the person, you may have a little gray here or there (I've never seen Jesus with any gray hair, but I suspect he had some). You also notice from time to time that there are some things you just couldn't do like you used to--a little more chubby, a little less agile, a few gray hairs, a wrinkle here and there, a twinge in the back, an ache in the knee, etc. This is the kind of body that was nailed on the cross.

The third thing that occurred to me is that with that growing awareness that you aren't a kid anymore, you loose that feeling of invincibility that comes with youth. Every now and then, you are given a moment of pause that you would not have had earlier. More and more, your thoughts turn to long-term and middle-aged concerns. One might expect this departing sense of youthful vigor and invincibility to leave one feeling run-down and debilitated, but this is far from the case. Youthful vigor is replaced with endurance and wisdom. Invincibility is replaced with the strength of moral courage. This is the Jesus who was nailed to the cross and bore the sins of the world.